WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT DJ'S!
10. Condoms required when hooking up with a DJ. Yes, it's true. He's kind of scruffy, totally absorbed in music, and hasn't talked to a girl all night. You've watched him for 3 hours. You're 10 times better looking than him, but he's the one making the whole room dance. You pick him up, thinking you're the first hottie this guy has ever gone home with. Well, you're wrong. He hasn't talked to anyone there because he's busy. And why bother, when hotties just like you come and jump into the boat on their own? That DJ you're about to pick up has had sex after every gig for the last 5 years. With girls just as hot as you. To quote my friend Spaceman "They shouldn't be called DJs. They should be called DVs- Disease Vectors."
9. It's a DJ Booth. Not a place to rest your drink. I mean, come on! The turntables, Cdjs, and or Midi Controllers are worth anywhere from 1000 to 3000 dollars, that mixer costs a grand. The amplifier is about $1,100 bucks, and you're casually going to set your pina colada on the table? In front of 500 dancers? Use your brain, people. It's your party too! What do you think happens when all that gear shorts out? Thats right. Party over. Finish your drink, and throw it away properly.
8. That record the DJ is playing cost ten bucks. Each song a DJ plays usually costs anywhere from 8 to 15 dollars. Many of my best tracks I bought and had shipped from over seas for about 18 dollars a pop. So when you see me roll into a party with a case that holds 100 records, I'm tugging about $1,500 dollars worth of tunes for your listening pleasure.
7. If you must corrupt a DJ with toxins, do it after his set, not before. If you get the DJ high before his set, you're on your own. Remember he's the captain of the ship, and if he's too stoned, his set will sound like tennis shoes in the drier, instead of dance music. Thunk thunk, pause, Bump, thunk thunk pause, bump, thunk thunk thunk pause pause, screeeeetch... You get the picture. One time I watched a DJ playing for 20 minutes, listening to his headphones and everything, nodding his head - before he noticed that his headphones werent even plugged in.
6. The DJ is not your personal jukebox. Nor would you want him to be. Would you go to your surgeon, while he's giving you stitches in the face, and go ,"Hey, do you have number 3 sinew instead of number 6? I sure love that number 3 sinew." No. Why? Because a surgeon knows what he's doing. So does the DJ. If you're able to get out of your "programmed by clear channel" force-fed crap music, and just LISTEN to what the DJ is blending, building, and releasing, you'll be in for a great night of new music that you've never heard, presented lovingly for you. If you go up and request a song that you've already heard, you've completely missed the point. Let the music change you. Don't change the music.
5. When you call your DJ friend one hour before the gig and ask to be put on a list, you're a jerk. No. Really. He loves you, you're his best friend, and yes, you DID run back into the dorm room in college when it was burning and dragged him to safety. But you're still a jerk for calling an hour before the gig. Why? Because guestlists need to be turned in at least a day early, so they can be organized, alphabetized, printed out, and brought to the gig. By the time you're calling, the list is done, turned in, and already at the door. How do you expect your DJ friend to get you on the list now? By going back in time with your last-minute name? No. Here's how he gets you on the list. He calls up the promoter, who is now annoyed, and begs the guy to hand write your name at the bottom. Then the promoter has his girlfriend stop decorating, and takes the phone to get your friend's name. Then she stops the sound guy, to borrow a pen, to write your lame ass name down. Now, all of these people are preparing for the gig an hour beforehand. The last thing any of them needs to be doing is menial crap like that. Leave the DJ alone to practice, pay the 20 bucks to get in, and support the system.
4.If you're at an illegal warehouse party, always watch the DJ closely. Why is that? Because a DJ's record boxes cost thousands of dollars (see number 6), and/or dj's laptop and midi controllers are not cheap and when the cops roll in, the DJ is the first person to see them. Your back is usually to the door. The DJ faces you, and the entrance. So when you see a DJ hastily grab his record box and run for it, you know to follow him so you don't get arrested. The last time I was at a Do Labs Party, I suddenly noticed a commotion near the front door. I grabbed my girl and headed for the side door. Sure enough, there were a line of 12 cops and about 20 firemen outside the party, just about to roll in and bust the place. We were the last ones out before the hammer fell.
3. The DJ is not an information booth.
The DJ is there to play music. And to do that properly, he needs his ears and his concentration, not your questions. "Wheres the bathroom?" "Have you seen Jimmy the promoter?" " Can I put my jacket and purse behind the booth?"I'll tell you the one question you are always allowed to ask a DJ. Are you ready? Here it is. "Hey, do you need a drink?"
2. If you're dating a DJ, the day of the week tells you how important you are. Thats right. One of my fellow DJs even goes so far as to put the day of the week next to the girl's name in his cell phone. Veronica is the girl he calls on Mondays, Cindy is Tuesday, Janice is wendsday, and so on. The other day he tells me "I just lost my Thursday. So, I'm looking for a hot girl here to be my new Thursday." It's a good system for him- only problem is, of course, it caps out at a mere seven women
1. What do DJs think about when playing music? In no particular order, here are the things DJs think about while spinning.
"Where did I put that damn flashlight?"
"Did I already play this track?"
"Jesus those are big tits."
"Hmm... They're digging the filtered house stuff..."
"Why's that guy staring at me?"
"Shoot. Which one was my beer..."
"Ugh - I have to pee SO BAD"
and, most of the time, it's
" 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8, new song, 2, 3, 4, 5,6,7,8 new song, 2,3,4,5,6,7,8, both songs, 7,8, old song,3,4, new song, 7,8, both songs, 3,4,5,6,7,8, only new song, 3,4,5,6,7,8...."
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